i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
How does one acquire holy water?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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