I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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