Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
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Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
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How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize