8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
