Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
