this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
