My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
