Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
