Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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