Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
you would pick up someone in the library
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Randomize
