i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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