i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
