Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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