I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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