I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
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The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
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and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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