Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
