I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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