I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
