Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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