I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Drunk is a universal language darling
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
