I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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