Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
