Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You can't motorboat a personality
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
