what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever