I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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