he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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