dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
