I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
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This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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