I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
