Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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