So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
