oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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