It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize
