If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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