Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
