Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
