i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
