Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
