Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
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