I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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