Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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