He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
