You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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