She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
