I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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