My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
