from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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