I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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