he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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