I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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