cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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