we have pet lesbian snakes
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
