Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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