i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
