Pants 0. Shit 1.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
